My involuntary Pick-up lesson at two in the morning
<- My recommended song to listen to while reading the article
People are strange when you’re a stranger
For starters, I usually get approached a lot from strangers. I think the reason for that is me looking a little goofy and dreamy most of the time but not in a negative sense? Well actually I have no idea why – let’s call it my vibe. Last night after a late hour shift I sat there in my 20 min tram ride and the first night owl approaching was actually a pretty girl who sat next to me with her drunk friends celebrating final exams as nurses – asking me how I could read with them being so noisy next to me “it’s always a good time to read” I relied (got to admit: Usually I would had been pissed drunk too but for some strange reason I wasn’t in the mood).
She smiled towards me a few times during the ride, even used the chance to talk to me again when I finally took the book away: “Yeah, because it’s my stop next” (feel free to facepalm).
Then when sadly arriving at my stopover another drunk tried to move out of the way but you know, sometimes drunk people have problems reading move-in-this-direction-I-want-to-pass-dude-eye-contact messages resulting in me missing my stop and him as terribly sorry-as-a-drunk-person-on-his-way-for-the-next-club-with-his-friends can be (he later realized it was his stop too so I guess we’re even).
So during this painful 30 seconds to the next stop the realization stroke me: Awesome, now I had not only missed the opportunity for a great compliment: “You are right, how could I read with such a beautiful girl next to me.” but also I look like the guy who was uncomfortable sitting next to her – because I got up way to early!
I might had just walked home at this point, but I remembered I had already paid for the ticket and the drunk guys who also missed their stop told me the next tram is coming in 4 minutes. So, I decided to wait with them, fuck it! I was tired and slightly annoyed by my missing improvisation-skills, might as well be lazy at this point.
I’m a warm-up
During the next ride, suddenly this guy starts talking to me stating my coat looks nice and I would be a trendsetter (it’s a plain black cotton coat so I had absolutely no idea what the hell he was talking about but who cares! Who doesn’t like a compliment right?). After introducing himself – let’s call him Sherlock – he had to get out at the same stop as I had to and asked me if I want to join his friend at a bar – I live just around the corner and this evening is not going anywhere for me, so sure.
When I meet his friend – let’s call him Watson – and he introduced me as “a guy who lives in this neighborhood“ I was slightly confused how casual he reacted to his friend bringing an obvious stranger with him. I later found out it was a part of Sherlock’s „warm-up game“ (apparently talking to strangers before “engaging” helps him get in the right mood). It quickly became very clear that those two are after girls. Sherlock was looking around the bar like he was searching for the golden snitch during a quidditch game – moving his feet to the music like he really had to go to the toilet – I wasn’t worrying though; he might just be on cocaine or something. Anyways, after cooling down in front of a fan on hip level he finally saw the opportunity he was looking for!
He fought his way through to her, brightly smiling in his white t-shirt with an expensive looking brown leather jacket only to come back to us in literal 5 seconds; “it’s too loud here, let’s go somewhere else!”.
The game must go on
During our little journey we went window shopping at different bars across my neighborhood. Sadly always something seemed not inviting for my two new friends (I didn’t mind – I wanted to stay sober anyways) but I learned a few new words: First of all, talking to girls is “playing the game” and chances with a girl is having a “set” – I’m not kidding here – and a name of some elite flirting academy whom I have already forgotten, but apparently they sell very educational videos – how generous of them. The names of two tutors (yep, I forgot those too) one of them a more technical guy, going into detail about the perfect moment and angle to land the first kiss, the other one a more radical strait forward teacher; grab them by the hair, slap their ass, pull them towards you, etc. (sounded alot like Donald Trump), Sherlock seemed to like that one more.
Not that I was so eager to talk about that but that was literally all that was on their mind. This is when I was starting to regret that I’m on the way to my favorite bar in my quarter with those guys. At least I was able to find out that one is studying astrophysics and the other one is working for an international company.
Just when we were to arrive two drunk girls crossed the street next to us. In a blink of an eye Sherlock engaged them with a funny approach if they want to meet the son of Michael Jackson and Watson immediately pitched the other girl so they would be separated from each other and entangled in a funny distracting conversation. One thing I noticed very fast was how Sherlock was very eager to get to touch her in the most casual way possible. To me it looked like a studied maneuver, way to controlled to be spontaneously. To sum it up before you get sick – it worked.
The two Padawan’s of a sexist online academy scored – at two completely drunk girls who I had been kept reading next to the tram with a good conscious but still, they scored! To Watson’s disappointment Sherlock didn’t feel like joining them at McDonalds and wanted to check out the place I was talking about. I did feel sorry for Watson at this point but hey: The game must go on and the next bigger chance is around the corner – spoiler alert: There was none.
Second-hand-embarrassment causes cancer
Arriving: 80s synth-pop, dimmed lights and dancing – let’s stay for a drink perhaps? After calmingly analyzing the situation and checking out all the girls around Sherlock decided it’s not worth it – to my confusion really! The people there were gorgeous, open minded and had seemingly a great time.
So we left again and I was hoping the bouncer wouldn’t remind me for this short visit and especially for this company. Since we shared the same direction home I heard even more about how to play the game and how they’ll go for round two tomorrow at the Erdinger-Volksfest (I sadly had to decline because I would be working by then… I might just had lied about it at this point but luckily, I didn’t have to). Of course, the way to my street was not possible without checking out every group of drunk teens like hummingbirds.
Regarding the question if I’m a chain-smoker I thought it would be better to reply with “yes” instead of “I’m suffering a major case of second-hand-embarrassment and have a tough time keeping it together right now”. That was also about the time I realized those two are not on drugs at all, they are just high on walking around at Friday night trying to pick up drunk girls in the streets!
My "lesson" from that night
Then finally, I was able to call it a night – politely I gave them my Instagram and creeped back in my apartment and immediately opened a word-document.
Let me get this straight first: I’m certain these guys where not “bad” people. I love psychological and practical stuff myself and therefore I know the feeling when you found out about something new. I know the feeling when you feel empowered and telling yourself you’ve finally figured something out that was bothering you for a long time and now it’s just a matter of practice! It feels great, it feels empowering and that’s why I can relate to those two to some degree – only downside, in my opinion their lessons are fucked up! There is something called the paradox of choice and it says that the more choices you got the unhappier you’ll be if you choose something. If you live with the attitude you can pick up anything at any place it’s going to be a very unsatisfying experience in the long run.
Two things that I learned from this experience so far: I had no idea how annoying guys can be. Seriously, I’ve never meet men who are like that, my friends are certainly not, and I thought I have some black sheep’s regarding this topic – turns out: I don’t! And secondly, next time I can give a woman whom I don’t know but is attracted to me a nice compliment, I’ll immediately do so! Even if it’s embarrassing and not leading anywhere – most of the things I do usually turn out like that anyways – but moreover because my guess: She’s gets a LOT of terrible pick-up-lines thrown at her.
As always I’m curious about for thoughts on the subject and your feedback. I rushed this entry a little bit so I’m sorry for potential spelling mistakes. Feel free to discuss and correct me if you think I made any mistakes or fill in blanc spots I might have forgotten. Thanks for reading and have a lovely day.